What Scripture Says About Being a Good Husband

The scriptures say a lot about how to be good at being a husband. Here are some of the principles it lays out, with citations to the relevant scriptures. Copies of the translations of those verses that strike me as making those points most clearly are set out below. The hyperlinks will take you to other translations.

Additional resources on this topic can be accessed at Scriptural directions for husbands—collected

Also, for our Catholic friends, check out A Rosary Prayer for Husbands

PRINCIPLES

Here are those principles, listed in no particular order:

1. A husband is to cherish, savor, his wife, really appreciate the best in her; treat/look at her as a gift from God. Proverbs 12:4, Proverbs 18:22, Proverbs 19:14, Proverbs 31:10-11, Proverbs 31:30-31, Sirach 26:1-4, Sirach 26:13-14.

2. A husband is to be patient with his wife and avoid sliding into negative attitudes towards/about her. Sirach 7:26, Ephesians 5:28-30, Colossians 3:19, I Peter 3:7.

3. A husband should be completely open towards, really bond with, his wife. Genesis 2:24-25.

4. A husband is to enjoy, revel in, take pleasure from, his relationship/life with his wife. Proverbs 5:18-19, Quo 9:9.

5. A husband is to enjoy and maintain a mutually pleasing sexual relationship with his wife. Deuteronomy 24:5, Proverbs 5:18-19, 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, 1 Corinthians 7:36.

6. A husband should keep his focus on his wife. He should not be open to relationships with other women or be unduly distracted by other things in his life. Deuteronomy 24:5, Proverbs 5:16-17, Sirach 9:1-9.

7. A husband should deal with his wife in good faith. Proverbs 31:30-31, Sirach 7:19, Malachi 2:15-16, 1 Corinthians 7:33.

8. A husband is to take care of/provide for his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:33.

9. A husband must think, be intentional, about how he deals with his wife and how to strengthen his marriage. 1 Corinthians 7:33, I Peter 3:7.

10. A husband should recognize, give his wife credit for, her good work/features. Proverbs 31:30-31.

11. A husband is to consider more than his wife’s physical attractiveness. Proverbs 31:30-31.

12. A husband is to stick with his wife over the long haul—divorce is not an option. Proverbs 31:30-31, Sirach 7:19, Malachi 2:15-16, Mathew 19:3-9, 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, 1 Corinthians 7:27.

13. A husband is to sacrifice, subordinate his interests, to those of his wife. Ephesians 5:25.

14. A husband should affirmatively seek to benefit, improve, grow his wife. Ephesians 5:25-30.

THE RELEVANT VERSES

Genesis 2:24-25 (ESV)
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Deuteronomy 24:5 (NASB)
When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken.

Proverbs 5:16-19 (ESV)
Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets?17 Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you.18Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, 19a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.

Proverbs 12:4 (NIV)
A wife of noble character is her husband's crown

Proverbs 18:22 (NASB)
He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.

Proverbs 19:14 (NIV)
Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.

Proverbs 31:10-11 (NLT)
Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. 11 Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.

Proverbs 31:30-31 (NLT)
Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. 31 Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

Quo 9:9 (NASB)
Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun.

Sirach 7:19 (NJB)
Do not turn against a wise and good wife; her gracious presence is worth more than gold.

Sirach 7:26 (NAB)
If you have a wife, let her not seem odious to you.

Sirach 7:26 (NJB)
Have you a wife to your liking? Do not turn her out.

Sirach 9:1-9 (NJB)
Do not be jealous of the wife you love, do not teach her lessons in how to harm you.
2 Do not put yourself in a woman's hands or she may come to dominate you completely.
3 Do not keep company with a prostitute, in case you get entangled in her snares.
4 Do not dally with a singing girl, in case you get caught by her wiles.
5 Do not stare at a pretty girl, in case you and she incur the same punishment.
6 Do not give your heart to whores, or you will ruin your inheritance.
7 Keep your eyes to yourself in the streets of a town, do not prowl about its unfrequented quarters.
8 Turn your eyes away from a handsome woman, do not stare at a beauty belonging to someone else. Because of a woman's beauty, many have been undone; this makes passion flare up like a fire.
9 Never sit down with a married woman, or sit at table with her drinking wine, in case you let your heart succumb to her and you lose all self-control and slide to disaster.

Sirach 26:1-4 (NJB)
How blessed is the husband of a really good wife; the number of his days will be doubled.
2 A perfect wife is the joy of her husband, he will live out the years of his life in peace.
3 A good wife is the best of portions, reserved for those who fear the Lord;
4 rich or poor, their hearts will be glad, their faces cheerful, whatever the season.

Sirach 26:13-18 (NJB)
The grace of a wife will charm her husband, her understanding will make him the stronger.
14 A silent wife is a gift from the Lord, no price can be put on a well-trained character.
15 A modest wife is a boon twice over, a chaste character cannot be over-valued.
16 Like the sun rising over the mountains of the Lord, such is the beauty of a good wife in a well-run house.
17 Like a lamp shining on the sacred lamp-stand, such is a beautiful face on a well-proportioned body.
18 Like golden pillars on a silver base, such are shapely legs on firm-set heels.

Malachi 2:15-16 (NJB)
Have respect for your own life then, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.
16 For I hate divorce, says Yahweh, God of Israel, and people concealing their cruelty under a cloak, says Yahweh Sabaoth. Have respect for your own life then, and do not break faith.

Mathew 19:3-9 (ESV)
And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?" 4He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 6So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." 7They said to him, "Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?" 8He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (ESV)
But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:10-11 (NIV)
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): … a husband must not divorce his wife.

1 Corinthians 7:12-16 (ESV)
To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you[ to peace. 16For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

1 Corinthians 7:27 (ESV)
Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free.


1 Corinthians 7:33 (NLT)
But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife.

1 Corinthians 7:36 (NLT)
But if a man thinks that he’s treating his fiancée improperly and will inevitably give in to his passion, let him marry her as he wishes. It is not a sin.

Ephesians 5:25-32 (NIV)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

Colossians 3:19 (NASB)
Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.

I Peter 3:7 (KJV)
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

Gardening for God: What We Can Learn From Dandelions

I’ve been doing a lot of weeding lately and have noticed a few things about dandelions. They are adaptable; they thrive in all sorts of areas. They are tough; they withstand adverse conditions well. They are incredibly tenacious; simply picking their leaves, flowers, and top roots will not get rid of them. All of those attributes are desirable, so what can we learn from them?

One thing is that those attributes have a common source: the fact that dandelions are very well rooted. A mature dandelion has a very long, strong, tap root that goes far into the soil. That allows it to stay alive in areas and conditions that, superficially, seem less than hospitable. Their root system reaches beyond that apparent adversity to draw what they need from another place. It also explains their tenacity; absent the use of chemicals, you can’t get rid of a dandelion unless you pull out its tap root or at least a good portion of it.

Scripture reflects the importance of being well rooted, albeit in God rather than in soil. It repeatedly speaks of how those rooted in God and His ways are blessed. They are strong. Job 29:19; Ephesians 3:17-19; Colossians 2:6-7. They become wise. Ephesians 3:17-19. They are fruitful. Proverbs 12:12; Ezekiel 17:6. They have beauty and are complete. Ezekiel 31:7; Ephesians 3:17-19. They are able to persist in difficult circumstances, Proverbs 12:3, and to overcome adversity. Isaiah 53:2; Jeremiah 17:7-8. Perhaps that’s why Colossians 2:7 instructs us to be “firmly rooted” in Christ.

Scripture also instructs that those who lose their rootedness in God, or who seek to be rooted in other things, suffer for it. They whither. Job 18:16; Isaiah 5:24. They bear no fruit, or at least no good fruit. Wisdom 4:3-5; Sirach 23:25; Ezekiel 17:7, 9; Hosea 9:16. They become weak, shaken, and susceptible to upheaval. Job 8:16-19; Wisdom 4:3-5. They become weak and eventually die. Sirach 40:15; Ezekiel 17:7, 9; Hosea 9:16.

The point should be clear: we are much better off being rooted in God than not being so. How to grow those roots will be discussed in another post.

Being Steeped

As I was making a cup of tea I had several insights into how the process of maturing in Christ is a lot like the process of steeping tea. At least four similarities came to mind.

First, it takes time. Just as it is nearly impossible to instantly get real tea flavor, it is very unusual for a person to take on anything close to Jesus’ real flavor quickly. It simply takes time to get there, as scripture reflects. Proverbs 4:18; Colossians 3:10; 2 Corinthians 3:18. See also Sirach 24:30-31.

Second, the process is expedited by heat. Although room temperature water can eventually be steeped into tea, the process occurs much more quickly with hot water. The same is true of taking on Christ’s nature. Both common experience and scripture teach that adversity—“being in hot water”—catalyzes our growth in Godliness. Hebrews 12:11-13; 1 Peter 1:1-7; 2 Corinthians 7:8-11; Deuteronomy 8:2-6; Psalm 119:71.

Third, strength is directly related to the amount of interaction. A cup of tea gets stronger the longer it’s in direct contact with the tea and we grow stronger in Christ the more we interact with Him. That dynamic is repeatedly reflected in scripture through instructions to pray frequently, to meditate on God’s word, and to gather together with other believers (who are the body of Christ).

Fourth and finally, the end result is pleasing. A well steeped cup of tea tastes great and gives renewed energy. Scripture describes that reality when it describes the fruits of a mature relationship with God.

Into the Wind

Some time ago I had to walk into the wind to get where I needed to go. That was not pleasant. On the other hand, when I was done there and going back, the wind was at my back and the walk was not bad at all.

That brought to mind the fact that scripture repeatedly uses wind to represent God’s Holy Spirit. John 3:8; Acts 2:2.

It occurred to me that walking into the wind is like going against the prompting of the Holy Spirit: It can be done, but the result is not pleasant. In contrast, moving in the same direction as the Spirit is much easier.

Other images relating to the Holy Spirit as to wind were posted Oct. 5, 2006, and June 18, 2005.

What We Can Learn About God From Being Parents: Understanding God's Jealousy

I experienced something last week that gave me an insight into God’s statements that He is “jealous.”

My 6 year old daughter and I were in the deep end of a wave pool at a water park, the waves were pretty big, and she was being bounced about. I was moving around, trying to keep close by her in case she needed help, when another adult inadvertently got between us. That aroused a burst of anger in me because I perceived that he hindered my ability to get to my daughter. He quickly moved past, and so did my anger, but the experience left an impression.

God likely feels something like that when things get between us and Him. He wants to be there for us, and must be similarly angered when people/relationships/other things interfere with His access to us. See e.g. Deuteronomy 6:10-19 and Exodus 34:12-16.

What We Can Learn About God From Being Parents: Avoidable Difficulty

My 6 year old daughter and I were at a water park last week. She was drifting around in the shallow end of the wave pool, letting the waves push her around, and didn’t realize that she was about to be pushed into an older gentleman.

That could have been easily averted if she would’ve stood up. I told her to get up, reached out, took her hand, and tried to help her onto her feet. She didn’t understand and didn’t try to stand up, so we had a hard time getting her out of the waves’ control. The collision was averted, but it was more difficult than it needed to be.

We adults are probably in similar circumstances more often than we realize. We’re drifting along, about to have a problem, God tries to help us avoid it, but we don’t “get” Him. We don’t respond as He would like us to, and the result is avoidable difficulty.

Proverbs 2:2: Tuning to Wisdom

Proverbs 2:2 and the surrounding verses tell us the benefits of “tuning your ear to wisdom, tuning your heart to understanding” (New Jerusalem Bible). What does that involve? How do we do that? Three things come to mind: measuring pitch, adjusting to conform to that pitch, and continually repeating those steps.

Measuring Pitch

The act of tuning first requires listening to something with perfect pitch. That gives us the standard we are trying to meet. When we seek wisdom (living our day-to-day lives according to God’s precepts) we find perfect tone in scripture, as it’s brought home to us by the Holy Spirit. We are to listen for it by regularly getting into the word, studying it, and thinking about what it means for how we actually live. We also hear it in the promptings the Holy Spirit gives in connection with particular situations. Developing an ear for these things takes some time, but God gives ample help to those who seek it. See Proverbs 8:17 Wisdom 6:12-17; Sirach 6:19, 27-28;  Sirach 14:20; Matthew 7:7-11;  Luke 11:9-13; James 1:5.

Tuning also requires listening to your instrument to see how it compares to perfect pitch. When we seek wisdom, we compare our lives to the standards set by scripture and the Spirit’s specific promptings, measuring how close we come to their pitch. That is not nearly as pleasant as listening to the pitch itself, and can in fact be quite painful at times, but it must be done and is always worth it in the end. See Sirach 6:19-31; 2 Corinthians 7:8-12; Hebrews 12:11; James 1:2-4; 2 Peter 1:6-7.  

Adjusting to Tone

Recognizing perfect pitch and differences from it is not enough; one must act to bring the instrument to that pitch. So it is with wisdom. Once we have identified how our lives differ from God’s standard we must act to bring ourselves into conformity with that standard. Sometimes we have to stretch beyond our natural inclinations, the equivalent of tuning up. Other times we must tune down, stopping or slowing when we would prefer to act. Both can be hard; we have to do things that don’t come naturally. But just as the results of a properly tuned instrument are worth the effort, being tuned to God’s pitch produces benefits that far exceed the cost of the changes. See Sirach 6:19-31.

Retuning

Anyone who’s played a string instrument knows that tuning is not a one time task. Instruments fall out of tune and must be repeatedly monitored and adjusted. So it is with us; we must regularly, and continually, compare lives with God’s instructions and make the tunings necessary to conform ourselves to His perfect pitch. There is simply no avoiding that reality, but there are things we can do to decrease the times we fall out of tune and the difficulty of retuning.

Just as exposure to loud, discordant, sounds can take an instrument out of tune, exposure to ungodly influences (media, profane music, bad company) can pull us away from God’s standards. We can limit that by limiting our exposure to those influences and seeking to replace them with Godly ones. See Proverbs 13:20, 22:24-25, Sirach 6:16-17; Sirach 6:34-37; 1 Corinthians 15:33; Philippians 4:8.

We can limit the difficulty of retuning by doing so sooner rather than later. It’s easier to retune a mildly out of tune instrument than one that’s dramatically so, and the same is true of our lives. We save ourselves significant difficulty by retuning as soon as we detect a variance from God’s pitch, rather than waiting until we’re far out of tune. See Sirach 5:7.

Responding to darkness--Part II

Christians should be like the radium on a watch. We should absorb God’s light and make it available to others so they can organize their lives by it in a dark world.

Responding to Darkness--Part I

God, please dilate our spiritual eyes so we are more sensitive to Your light in seemingly dark places.

Relating to God's Light

The Bible consistently, through different books written in different times and in different cultures, describes God as light. (See the appendix that follows this post) It’s an unavoidable, unmistakable, frequently repeated, theme, so God apparently thinks it’s very important for us to know that about Him.

So how do we respond? What practical, behavior altering, guidance can we draw from it? Two things come to mind.

The first is that we have to be careful about letting the world get between us and God. That can happen lots of ways, though over commitment, too much media, and materialism, to name a few. If we get into the world’s shadow we don’t receive the full measure of His light. We end up like a less than full moon—at least partially in the dark and reflecting far less of God’s light than we otherwise could. That hurts us and others.

The second is that we can’t let ourselves get between God’s light and those around us. We can do so in multiple ways: by pride, anger, lust, greed, impatience, laziness (among other things). They effectively put God in (at least) second place to our desires. That obscures His goodness in us, and effectively casts our shadows on the parts of the world He wants illuminated, like the moon during a solar eclipse.

APPENDIX

The following verses describe God or Jesus as light or as providing light to guide us. The hyperlinks go to the chapter containing the verse or verses, presented in the King James Version. Other translations can be seen by scrolling down the page brought up by the hyperlink.

If the citation is to multiple verses, the alternate translations are provided for what seems to be the key verse. Alternate translations for other verses can be found by clicking on the “v” box to the left of the verse you are interested in.

God/Jesus as Light

Ezekiel 1: 27, 10:4

Daniel 2:22
Habakkuk 3:4

Matthew 17:2
John 3:19

Acts 9:3-5, 26:13-15
I Timothy 6:16

James 1:17
I Peter 2:9

I John 1:5

Revelation 21:23-24, 22:5

God, Jesus, or God’s truth as providing light for our guidance

Exodus 13:21

Nehemiah 9:19
Job 29:3
Psalm 18:28, 27:1, 36:9, 43:3, 78:14, 89:15, 105:39, 118:27, 119:105
Isaiah 2:5, 9:2, 42:16, 60:1-3, 19-20

Micah 7:8
John 1:9, 8:12, 12:35-36

II Corinthians 4:6

Sailing before God's Wind

"Thus saith the Lord GOD; Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live." Ezekiel 37:9 (King James Version)

Fruitful Christians are like sails. They catch the Holy Spirit’s energy—the equivalent of the wind—and contribute their own strength, albeit the strength God gives them, to convey that energy to the benefit of others.

God asks them to do so in different ways. Some are called to move heavy loads, like the sails on an old time sailing ship. Others are tasked to power smaller crafts. But regardless of the size of the load their mission is the same: to use God’s power to move things in the direction He desires.

God also calls us to perform that task in different circumstances. Some of us are called to operate on relatively smooth waters, while others must do their work on rough seas.

Finally, the intensity of that work varies over time. Sometimes God really pushes us, asking us to deal with heavy winds. Other times it he only sends light wind, probably because He knows that we need the respite.

(Another sailing image can be found at: Sailing Before God's Wind: John 3:8 )

Extravagant Grace

Several weeks ago I was swimming laps late in a sunny afternoon and noticed the beautiful lines the sun made on the pool’s bottom. It struck me that they are a manifestation of God’s extravagant grace: He set up a natural system that resulted in wonderful beauty, apparently just on the off chance that someone would see and appreciate it.

Yoked

“Shoulder my yoke and learn from me….”
Matthew 11:29 (New Jerusalem Bible)

A yoke directs an ox’s energy towards an externally identified task, joining its effort to its driver’s direction. The ox contributes the strength; the driver directs that strength to a particular purpose and together they accomplish more than either could on their own.

By asking us to shoulder His yoke, Jesus is asking us to contribute our energy to His purposes. We aren’t simply being asked just to submit to God’s control (although that is an essential part of it), but also to actively work towards, expend our effort on, whatever tasks God has for us. Jesus teaches more than passive submission; He exhorts us to affirmative effort directed at the specific tasks He chooses for each of us.

That has wonderful results. By actively combining our effort with God’s control we achieve much more than we ever could on our own. And although the Kingdom will go forward with or without our effort, it is further ahead because of our own contributions.

Jesus not only taught that dynamic, he modeled it. His total submission to the Father’s will involved strenuous effort on his part. Rather than being a passive expositor, waiting for people to come to Him, He walked miles and miles to spread the gospel, and endured the press of many crowds. And that effort was all expended in accordance with God’s direction; Jesus actively diverted from His immediate plans went to meet folks where they were, and ultimately had to make that hard climb to Jerusalem and Golgotha, all in accordance with the Father’s plan. The result was far more than one man could accomplish on his own, but it could not have occurred without that man’s active contribution.

If we “learn from [Him],” we’ll contribute our effort to what He’s called us to, whatever that may be, and if we are faithful to His direction, we'll see results far beyond our own capabilities.

Night Vision Goggles

We’ve all seem images captured through night vision goggles. They magnify ordinarily unperceivable light to show the wearer things that exist in the darkness. Christians are like persons given night vision goggles.

Like people walking at night, Christians must make their way through a world that appears dark, but that actually has some of God’s light present at all times and in all places. We can’t always see that light on our own and if we try to deal with things purely in our own strength, we sometimes stumble, disoriented and discouraged. But like night vision goggles, the Holy Spirit gives us the ability to perceive God’s light in a situation, allowing us to better deal with it.

There is another other parallel. Night vision goggles only help if they are put on, requiring the wearer to make the effort to avail himself of their benefits. Likewise, we only benefit from the Spirit’s guidance if we seek His help. He doesn’t impose His self on us; we have to be open to/seek out His help. Like someone who won't use the goggles offered him, we stay in the dark if we try to make it through on our own.

(Images about God providing things we need, but can’t provide for ourselves, were posted September 12a, 17a, and 18c, October 3a, 3b November 6, 10, 21 and 27, 2004 and January 2, 10b, and 10c, June 13 and 27, 2005.

Images about trusting God amidst the unexpected/difficult/incomprehensible were posted November 7, and 15, 2004, and April 25, July 11b, and August 9, 2005.)